Sunday, March 2, 2008

A Sudden Realization

This week has been a strange one...
Monday was a regular day...
Then Tuesday I had AIMS Writing Test and short school day
Wednesday I had AIMS Reading Test and a short school day
Thursday was a normal day...
Friday...I had a double assembly...so shortened classes once again.
Before I realized it...it was time for the weekend.
I've got to say...Friday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time...
Why?
Simple, really. I got scorned at, yelled at, thrown at, whatever you name it. And for the 1000th time, I felt hopeless.
That doesn't seem to make sense, right? Since I had a short school day it should've been a good day. But no. Of course not. Just like all my other super great days...it turns out being really horrible and then good again. Weird, eh?
Let me start from the beginning of the bad stuff. (=.= Wow. I have such a limited vocabulary. I can't think of words right now...) Anyways...right after school, my brother had to go to the allergy specialist since his allergies were really acting up lately. I don't remember what started it, but somehow me, my bro, and my mom were arguing about me and disrespect. And of course I ended up "losing" the battle so to speak...and whatnot. It's not my fault that I'm disrespectful to my family...it's just the way it is. Sure, I should change that...but it's a lot easier said then done right? Yea...so after the argument, my mom kept on saying how I really had to change my bad habits and all this crap. "What are you going to do when your brother is gone to college?!" I'm sorry I have bad habits. If you want me to change...then help me...It's not like I don't want to change...I just need help! But no...all she could do is scold me about it! And saying that thing about my bro really hit a nerve.I really love my brothers a lot...a lot a lot. Even though they're usually teasing me...I've always looked up to them. And I've been thinking about my brother going off to college for this whole school year. I mean...we've always been going to the same school...and I'd always go bother him or whatever...and now that he's leaving soon...I didn't want to think about it. Honestly...that made me more upset than anything else. Anyone can say crap about me and I don't care...but my family is most important to me. And right then...I realized...how dependent on my brother I was. I always thought I could be independent...but in the end...I always go to him for help or advice or whatever. And that really scares me. I don't want to be independent. I rather be sheltered. HA! I guess that's what happens when I'm the youngest...I've always been protected from everything...So...that sums up the first scolding/yelling I got?
Continuing on...
A few hours later...I was at church for our youth group. And the game they were about to play was dodgeball. Now...I HATE dodgeball and I don't really like playing games with everyone...'cuz it's ackward? Iunno. So I told my brother I wasn't going to play and ran away...but OH NO. Of course...I HAVE TO PLAY so while I'm running...my oldest bro throws one of the freaking balls at me. It wouldn't have been that bad if he hadn't hit me. But he did...well sorta. He completely knocked off my glasses and it hit my nose too I think? So I was really upset...(DUH!) and well...started tearing up. Who wouldn't? MY BROTHER JUST THREW A FREAKING BALL AT ME FOR NO REASON!!! So my other brother (who I'm closer with) comes over and asks me if I'm ok and then tells me how he's worried about me. Stuff about me not having real friends...or at least not talking/hanging out with them much. And how I spend so much time on my computer talking to people I don't know. O yeah. He also said how he's worried about where I'm headed. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! I'm NOT going to end up doing anything stupid. Gosh. I hate it when my brother and my mom think they know everything about I think and function, when they are completely wrong! ARGH! And the thing about my friends...I'm sorry that I like my "virtual" friends better than most of my "real" friends. At least they actually pretend they care. =.= No one asked me if I was okay after that whole ordeal. Not even people I call my best friends. What type of (insert word here) is this!? No...I'm not expecting people to always know when something's wrong...but isn't it kind of blatant that something is wrong when my brother threw a ball at me...and i've been sitting on the floor with my face in my hands for the last 5 minutes and I just walked away afterwards?! I guess not. People have said I need to give them a chance...but honestly I don't want to. They obviously don't care enough to listen to me when I try to tell them what's wrong...so why should I bother? (And yes I know, I'm being bitter about this, but it's a problem I've had for a while...) Anyways...back to the story...
So yea...I walked away after I got hit...practically ran actually...to the youth group room (they were at the playground) and just sat in a secluded room for who knows how long. And I pretty much just let out all my frustration. I swear...I was about to throw things around and punch a hole (or 2) in the wall. Hahaha. And of course...with my luck...people aren't picking up their phones...so I can't really let out all my stress. And in the end...nothing good really came out of it.
Later on, everyone went back in for worship. I was there...but I kept on going in and out because I couldn't bear it. And my oldest brother came up to me during worship and said he was sorry and asked me if I was okay...I shook my head and could feel tears bottling up already. (Yup. Emotional day!) But I don't think he saw...so he just walked away. Lol. And I just pretty much stayed outside the rest of the time to think and pray. And I felt better...I went back in to listen to my cousin speak about his mission work...and it was pretty much...well...AWESOME! He had so many great stories to tell...and he's so humorous! Everyone was laughing the whole time...(some people even literally rolling on the floor laughing!) Yea...so my cousin totally made my day better...(Love ya Ray!! <3) Ahaha.
Saturday...was...an unproductive day...
all I did was:
1. Eat
2. Watch Anime
3. Watch Drama
4. IM/TXT ppl
5. Play piano/viola
Yup. Didn't do any homework or anything.
Then today...Sunday came...
Life was normal...
usual crazy Sunday School time and random crap and Chinese School.
I watched my brother get acupuncture to. wahaha. That was interesting...
And went home...nothing happened until around dinner time...
I don't know why, but my parents seem to love eating out lately for some reason. And I...well...HATE eating out...so I didn't go with everyone else.
I have no idea why...but when my mom came home she started talking about how I shouldn't txt/im/communicate with my "online" friends anymore and how it's dangerous. And yatta yatta yatta. And stuff about how I should spend more time with my (FAKE!) friends...and I don't know...I don't really understand her. Honestly...If everyone I made friends with online were pedophilic molesters or serial killers or whatever...I'D ALREADY BE DEAD. =.= I think I know for myself if someone is really who they say they are or not. Honestly...how stupid does she think I am?! IT's obvious that someone is a predator if they ask you a lot of personal information right away...but I've had friends for YEARS and they never ask me any of that stuff. O yeah...they're definitely going to stalk me, kidnap me, and kill me. XD

For the record...
1. I AM trying to change a lot of things. I just need a little encouragement or help or something. Just not more lectures. =.= Hahaha. I just wish my mom would understand that for once.
2. I know I'm getting quite anti-social with my "real" friends. I'm working on it! XD Still got to figure out a few things for myself...
3. I know that I'm being harsh on my friends...but it's still hard for me to forget atm. =X
4. My mom and my brothers usually aren't that bad...just seems like they're ganging up on me lately! Hahaha. Go me!
5. I love you all! And if you are one of my friends (that I in a way badmouthed)...sorry.

I think that's about all I have to say. There was more...but now I forget. Wahaha. That is so like me, eh?

1 comment:

said...

Pheeebs, "You'll be in my heart..."
LOL you know that song from Tarzan, for some reason I thought of that!!!
>.< I hope you don't get too down on yourself...

go read my email.