Saturday, April 12, 2008



I quote:

This is awesome cool, I got it from a blog in multiply.. Apparently, someone's turning it's back on ELF.. I don't know but I agree with the person who wrote this.. :shock: I wonder if this would get delivered to ELF, I really would like them to read this..


I am a fan of Super Junior, I would love to call my self a big fan but I just cannot be compared to you guys who have been through a lot of extremes.. I am just an ordinary fan whose only source of news and information about Super Junior mostly comes from the power of technology, which is the internet. But one thing is for sure, I love them as much as you guys do.

Ever since the issue of adding members to the new sub-unit came about and Super Junior becoming a project group once again, I, in my own little space here at home, have been keenly watching over your takes and developments of your objectives to the point that I had to endure Goosebumps (in a good way)because you guys are really shocking when it comes to the things that you can and have done. Your unity is so admirable and the strength that you have to be able to show how much you love Super Junior is very inspirational. For I am just a mere soul hanging around the world of cyberspace, not a member of any SJ affiliations, not that rich to spend so much money for gifts to send over to Korea, not thrifty enough to be able to go to their concerts and so on, for I am so out of reach compared to you guys and I most probably am just gonna be ignored and called a lousy person by you, for all that, I am sure I know about Super Junior. I am not even close to a threat but with all due respect you have left, please hear me out..

I really wanted to be on your side, the side of those who loves SJ, with all the only13 going on, so I really did my best to understand and absorb to the best of my ability all the things you were fighting for. I agree with you on some, but it’s really hard to convince one’s self when something deep inside is very hesitant, so I waited and waited and waited.. Until SJ-M became for real.

And when it did, It finally hit me. And I finally have something to believe in and for that, I totally agree with you guys when you said that people like us, who are not part of ELF, will never ever understand.

Because that’s just the way it is right? You go on believing what you want and others will do that as well. With all these protests to oust Henry and Zhoumi, I have totally lost all the righteous respect I have strongly hold onto for so long for you guys (even if no one told me to do so), because like I said, I wanted to be on your side.

It’s just that this time, you have gone too far.. You have become hurtful (To Henry, Zhoumi and Hankyung who so innocently just want to be in his homeland and perform for his own people), disrespectful (to Hankyung’s dreams, Henry’s innocence and Zhoumi’s efforts and still you got the balls to say that people have to respect your say), sELFish (too sELFish), unwilling (unwilling to listen and be positive for once), down right mean and bad, stubborn and not a fan anymore. To my eyes, you are no longer the fans that I once adored so much, To my eyes, you have become monsters.

A fan is someone who will help you reach the top, not someone who will recklessly pull you down and celebrate your downfall. You guys being like this is the reason why I can no longer defend you when people talks trash about you, this is the reason why I can no longer stand for you. I feel bad for myself for only realizing this just now, but I most definitely am very happy that I have woken up my senses. I really did my best to hang on and wait for reasons to stay still, but the more I wait for reasons to hold on longer, the more I get the reasons to stay out of your shadows. You’ve almost brainwashed me.

I am thankful I didn’t fall for your sELFish demands and ridiculous rants, I am thankful that I am not a member of your club, I am thankful that I not a crazy fan, I am thankful I am not living a miserable life as you guys are, I am thankful I am not part of your mafia-like lifestyle who keeps on trying to manipulate more people to believe something so superficial telling them that they are protecting 13 boys for it, but most of all, I am thankful that you have lead me out to reality.. And the reality is:

Super Junior- M will have Henry and Zhoumi in it.
A lot of people think that Lee Soo Man made the right and best decision.
And we, including you will just have to deal with it!

It hurts (for you) to know the truth and it’s too bad and too sad that you can’t handle it when you are so able to do so..

The boys are extremely fine about this idea (Hankyung himself said how happy he is), If you ask me how I know that, that’s just like me asking you guys how you know if the boys are on your side.. See, we can’t put words on each other’s mouth so that being said, nobody really knows exactly how the boys feel, and you guys basing your thoughts from their actions doesn’t really verify anything, because knowing you guys, you’re imagination is too much, you make small things so big.. Too big.

We should all stop assuming things like the boys are crying over having Henry and Zhoumi in Super Junior M because boys don’t cry for having new people come into their lives and keep in mind another reality that Super Junior won’t always be hanging around with each other, because they themselves, like everybody else in the world, have other friends aside from the people you see around them. Stop putting limitations to who can and who cannot be around them.

I wanna know up to what extent are you guys going to take this so called “war” of yours? Oh no, don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning on stopping you for I know that none of what I said here will change your ELF-WASHED minds, I am perfectly aware that you’re too busy deafening yourselves out so that you couldn’t hear the people laughing at you now, but really, I just wanna know..

So what guys? Until Henry and Zhoumi gets more hurt and depressed? You don’t know what could happen but they might consider suicide for this.. Remember how you killed the young girl?
So will this go on until another person dies just because you’re too sELFish to accept someone who haven’t even done anything yet? Up to where? How many more “wars” are you gonna put up? How many more pain are you going to inflict? I don’t know much about Henry and Zhoumi but I cannot believe how you guys can be so mean, rude and evil. My gosh, I can’t believe this is coming from me who once acknowledged you as my role models.. I am such a fool.

Shame on you ELF, I used to look up to you. But now, when I see you guys protesting and showing off your power to isolate Henry and Zhoumi, I see living monsters. You said SM is the enemy, but why are you guys doing this to Henry and Zhoumi? And most especially, why to Hankyung, just why? You may not hear anything from Henry and Zhoumi, maybe because they need to be strong for Super Junior M but you see the problem with being strong is that no one bothers to ask if you are hurt..

Yes, You don’t need people like me, and people like me don’t need you as well.. Supporting and loving Super Junior away from you guys is the safest thing to do, because nobody wants to be in the arms of a thousand monsters/murderers/killers/criminals.

I cannot wait for you guys to betray each other because just in case no one told you yet, A lot of people likes Suju-M. A lot!

If ever you guys get what you want, CONGRATULATIONS! But the only emotion that will reign in me is pity for Super Junior because their ELF is such a disgrace.

If something bad happens to Henry or Zhoumi, or if I find out that you guys make Hankyung cry, I will swear to the heavens on earth that you die in shame.

I really wanted to be part of ELF, but now I am already satisfied being somebody just ordinary and because satisfaction is the death of desire, I have had enough of that wanting.

I know I have offended you guys with this, but I’m not gonna say sorry because you guys deserve it. Teach yourselves respect first, before you earn my respect back.

Love, Ex-Fan of Noona ELFs.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Poem =X

This was written when I was feeling the worse after I heard of kevin leaving...It's a bit emo I guess...but you know...I was on a bus with lots of people trying NOT to it was hard. XD I changed the ending to a lighter mood was bothering me...hahaha.

When I heard you were gone,
My heart stopped beating,
My breath was constricted,
No longer, no longer could I differentiate anything,
Up was down,
Left was right,
Darkness was light,
My soul is empty and cold,
An unending gaping hole,
I feel suffocated,
Unable to breathe,
To move,
To do anything,
My melancholy cannot be expressed with words,
I want to cry, but the tears won’t come,
I want to smile like you do, but it’s impossible for me
I try to let go by forgetting you,
But everything and anything reminds me of you…
I kept on asking myself…
Why? Why did you leave?
How could you leave?
Maybe I am being selfish, but how can I not?
You are my angel, my inspiration, my everything,
I feel like I can’t live on anymore,
Without you, I am broken, worthless, useless,
Do you know how I feel?
Maybe yes, maybe no…
I wonder how you are feeling,
Happy? Sad? Angry?
Not knowing makes the world seem dark and gloomy,
Instead of the usual brightness and happiness,
Will you ever come back?
Please tell me, for I feel like I cannot survive without…
Without your voice, your smile, your everything,
I am nothing,
Lost and confused,
Where will I end up?
The world seems to be spiraling downhill,
Right and wrong seem not to matter anymore,
Kindness is now something of the past,
Where are you?
Come back soon, for I fear it will be too late,
Even so, I still feel that I must,
Must support your everything,
Though my heart is shattered,
My breath taken,
My heart stopped,
My body paralyzed,
I wish you the best, until the very end of this age

Sunday, March 2, 2008

A Sudden Realization

This week has been a strange one...
Monday was a regular day...
Then Tuesday I had AIMS Writing Test and short school day
Wednesday I had AIMS Reading Test and a short school day
Thursday was a normal day...
Friday...I had a double shortened classes once again.
Before I realized was time for the weekend.
I've got to say...Friday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time...
Simple, really. I got scorned at, yelled at, thrown at, whatever you name it. And for the 1000th time, I felt hopeless.
That doesn't seem to make sense, right? Since I had a short school day it should've been a good day. But no. Of course not. Just like all my other super great turns out being really horrible and then good again. Weird, eh?
Let me start from the beginning of the bad stuff. (=.= Wow. I have such a limited vocabulary. I can't think of words right now...) Anyways...right after school, my brother had to go to the allergy specialist since his allergies were really acting up lately. I don't remember what started it, but somehow me, my bro, and my mom were arguing about me and disrespect. And of course I ended up "losing" the battle so to speak...and whatnot. It's not my fault that I'm disrespectful to my's just the way it is. Sure, I should change that...but it's a lot easier said then done right? after the argument, my mom kept on saying how I really had to change my bad habits and all this crap. "What are you going to do when your brother is gone to college?!" I'm sorry I have bad habits. If you want me to change...then help me...It's not like I don't want to change...I just need help! But no...all she could do is scold me about it! And saying that thing about my bro really hit a nerve.I really love my brothers a lot...a lot a lot. Even though they're usually teasing me...I've always looked up to them. And I've been thinking about my brother going off to college for this whole school year. I mean...we've always been going to the same school...and I'd always go bother him or whatever...and now that he's leaving soon...I didn't want to think about it. Honestly...that made me more upset than anything else. Anyone can say crap about me and I don't care...but my family is most important to me. And right then...I dependent on my brother I was. I always thought I could be independent...but in the end...I always go to him for help or advice or whatever. And that really scares me. I don't want to be independent. I rather be sheltered. HA! I guess that's what happens when I'm the youngest...I've always been protected from everything...So...that sums up the first scolding/yelling I got?
Continuing on...
A few hours later...I was at church for our youth group. And the game they were about to play was dodgeball. Now...I HATE dodgeball and I don't really like playing games with everyone...'cuz it's ackward? Iunno. So I told my brother I wasn't going to play and ran away...but OH NO. Of course...I HAVE TO PLAY so while I'm oldest bro throws one of the freaking balls at me. It wouldn't have been that bad if he hadn't hit me. But he did...well sorta. He completely knocked off my glasses and it hit my nose too I think? So I was really upset...(DUH!) and well...started tearing up. Who wouldn't? MY BROTHER JUST THREW A FREAKING BALL AT ME FOR NO REASON!!! So my other brother (who I'm closer with) comes over and asks me if I'm ok and then tells me how he's worried about me. Stuff about me not having real friends...or at least not talking/hanging out with them much. And how I spend so much time on my computer talking to people I don't know. O yeah. He also said how he's worried about where I'm headed. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! I'm NOT going to end up doing anything stupid. Gosh. I hate it when my brother and my mom think they know everything about I think and function, when they are completely wrong! ARGH! And the thing about my friends...I'm sorry that I like my "virtual" friends better than most of my "real" friends. At least they actually pretend they care. =.= No one asked me if I was okay after that whole ordeal. Not even people I call my best friends. What type of (insert word here) is this!? No...I'm not expecting people to always know when something's wrong...but isn't it kind of blatant that something is wrong when my brother threw a ball at me...and i've been sitting on the floor with my face in my hands for the last 5 minutes and I just walked away afterwards?! I guess not. People have said I need to give them a chance...but honestly I don't want to. They obviously don't care enough to listen to me when I try to tell them what's why should I bother? (And yes I know, I'm being bitter about this, but it's a problem I've had for a while...) Anyways...back to the story...
So yea...I walked away after I got hit...practically ran the youth group room (they were at the playground) and just sat in a secluded room for who knows how long. And I pretty much just let out all my frustration. I swear...I was about to throw things around and punch a hole (or 2) in the wall. Hahaha. And of course...with my luck...people aren't picking up their I can't really let out all my stress. And in the end...nothing good really came out of it.
Later on, everyone went back in for worship. I was there...but I kept on going in and out because I couldn't bear it. And my oldest brother came up to me during worship and said he was sorry and asked me if I was okay...I shook my head and could feel tears bottling up already. (Yup. Emotional day!) But I don't think he he just walked away. Lol. And I just pretty much stayed outside the rest of the time to think and pray. And I felt better...I went back in to listen to my cousin speak about his mission work...and it was pretty much...well...AWESOME! He had so many great stories to tell...and he's so humorous! Everyone was laughing the whole time...(some people even literally rolling on the floor laughing!) my cousin totally made my day better...(Love ya Ray!! <3) Ahaha. unproductive day...
all I did was:
1. Eat
2. Watch Anime
3. Watch Drama
4. IM/TXT ppl
5. Play piano/viola
Yup. Didn't do any homework or anything.
Then today...Sunday came...
Life was normal...
usual crazy Sunday School time and random crap and Chinese School.
I watched my brother get acupuncture to. wahaha. That was interesting...
And went home...nothing happened until around dinner time...
I don't know why, but my parents seem to love eating out lately for some reason. And I...well...HATE eating I didn't go with everyone else.
I have no idea why...but when my mom came home she started talking about how I shouldn't txt/im/communicate with my "online" friends anymore and how it's dangerous. And yatta yatta yatta. And stuff about how I should spend more time with my (FAKE!) friends...and I don't know...I don't really understand her. Honestly...If everyone I made friends with online were pedophilic molesters or serial killers or whatever...I'D ALREADY BE DEAD. =.= I think I know for myself if someone is really who they say they are or not. stupid does she think I am?! IT's obvious that someone is a predator if they ask you a lot of personal information right away...but I've had friends for YEARS and they never ask me any of that stuff. O yeah...they're definitely going to stalk me, kidnap me, and kill me. XD

For the record...
1. I AM trying to change a lot of things. I just need a little encouragement or help or something. Just not more lectures. =.= Hahaha. I just wish my mom would understand that for once.
2. I know I'm getting quite anti-social with my "real" friends. I'm working on it! XD Still got to figure out a few things for myself...
3. I know that I'm being harsh on my friends...but it's still hard for me to forget atm. =X
4. My mom and my brothers usually aren't that bad...just seems like they're ganging up on me lately! Hahaha. Go me!
5. I love you all! And if you are one of my friends (that I in a way badmouthed)...sorry.

I think that's about all I have to say. There was more...but now I forget. Wahaha. That is so like me, eh?

Monday, February 18, 2008

My ode!

ahahaha. So I had to write this ode for my English class...and my friend convinced me to write about kevin of all things. =.= It turned out quite weird...and I exaggerated it a it sounds like I'm talking about Jesus instead. =P

Here it is:

An Ode to the Perfect Guy

As I entered the pearly gates,
I heard a voice unlike any other.
"La-la-la', sang the beautiful voice,
I wondered who or what it was, for I did not know.
I looked far and near,
But could not find the source.
I searched further, and finally I had found him.
In front of me stood a man,
Nay, not quite a man, but not a youth either.
His face was equal to his voice,
More stunning than any I had met,
Gazing upon his beauty, I was appalled, and stood frozen.
It was like an angel,
Youthful and gorgeously glowing white, but not sickly pale.
Sensing my presence, the angel spoke,
Oh! That voice!
That voice which is sweeter than honey,
Even the songbirds are jealous,
Whilst speaking, joy was apparent everywhere in him,
Especially in his smile,
Never is he without a smile,
That heart piercing smile that dazzles more than the sun,
Even more shocking was his intellect,
He spoke the tongues of all, humans and animals alike.
His knowledge of all things surpassed all others.
Though he has all of these,
He is humble and meek like a lamb,
Even a lion's pride cannot match his humility,
His kindness to all is beyond human imagination,
Nature and humans alike have been blessed by him,
An injured being will be back to normal in a jiffy,
Due to him, the lives of thousands have been changed,
Ah! How I wished to enter those pearly gates again.
But alas, it is not my time yet.
Till then, I shall wait patiently for my time.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

so i know i haven't told you guys what happened yet.
today...why i was mad. and hating myself.
it's actually quite simple.
i feel like a failure. i am a failure.
at life. at school. everything.
why do i feel that way...?
you all know i had my finals today...
and the one i needed to do good on... didn't go so well. =.=
yes. my math one.
i pretty much failed it...
and i thought 80-85% of it was really easy. XD WTE.
and i know i should've studied more.
but everything is so distracting. i know you guys don't mean to.
but everyone is a distraction to me. from school. from things i should be doing.
and i feel like a failure. because everytime i tell myself i need to work harder
i do for a little while. and completely forget about it or ignore it because of either
and now i'm stuck back in my hole again. and i don't know how to get out anymore.
yea i know i sound emo. i am EMO right now. =.=
for the 1000000000000000000000000000th time. i've failed at what i wanted to succeed in due to my laziness. stupidity. ignorance. whatever you want to call it.
and now i'm going to go eat my dinner. that's pretty much all.

and that stupid elfing MSN VIRUS
pisses me off.
because viruses are retarded and just mean.
what's the freaking purpose of it!? XD
and i hate how it sent to my some of them have it too. T_T

and why does my freaking windows manager things like my documents,my computer
always freeze when i'm trying to transfer things to my portable disk drive?!!?
i need it to work so that if my comp dies again...i'll still have my files.

wte. today is just not a good day.
but kevin made me happier. ^^ just by being himself.
i love how he smiles all the time.
no matter what. hes always smiling. i wish i could do that.
i want to do that.

Thursday, December 6, 2007


I haven't updated in a long time...and a lot of things are bothering I decided to update today. I don't raelly know how to describe today...I guess I would call it a "bad day", but it was also a good day for some of it too? I'm not sure...So today I woke up and was all excited since I got my new glasses and I love them! Not just because I can see but because they are cool! =P And I went to school...and things just kind of went downhill from there...I had taken a math test a few days ago which I had a really iffy feeling about...which was right...because I pretty much failed it. =.= I mean...I'm really disappointed 'cause I knew it pretty well when I was doing my homework and on the practice test...I guess I just didn't study enough? Anyways...back to my I was a bit down...but still happy...that is until lunchtime. The PSAT scores came in and I went to check my score...and it wasn't very good. It wasn't HORRIBLE or anything, but not up to my standards. So my day was just BLAH after that. And of course when I went home, I told my mom. And she wasn't MAD or anything just disappointed? And nagged me about studying more and all that good stuff. I was thinking about that anyways, so I was even more down I guess? After I got home...I practically FORCED myself to do my math homework even though I was really too depressed to do it...and in the middle of doing it...I was checking up on Asteria*/CYNOSTAR/Love FTI and found some bad news...T____________________T Hyesung of XING is leaving officially because of "personal problems". It's still a rumor...but the person who is replacing him from SINGING IN THE RAIN introduced himself as part of XING on a radio show that the rest of the XING members were I guess it's true? This made me reallllllllllllyyyyyyyy depressed because I love all of XING and I like Hyesung's's interesting. And it's stupid that XING ENTERTAINMENT is replacing him. Because....THEY.CANT.REPLACE.HIM.EVER!!! seriously...he was like the foundation of XING since he usually sang like the lowest parts and I'll miss his powerful voice. And from what I know...he is like the life of XING too...hahhaa. I can tell from his CYWORLD entries...random guy. And I don't know..I'm just sad.....=( MAD. DISAPPOINTED. A LOT OF THINGS. That's all i got to say...

Sunday, October 14, 2007

colorgenics test.

ahaha. yea...i just randomly decided to do this colorgenics test thing again? just for always some is very accurate...some is just random. but o well. =D

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

Whatever has caused the situation, you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord: you are like the tide, flotsam and jetsam... One minute you experience 'highs' and a few moments later 'lows'. This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and with this demanding attitude - the ideal state you desire is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you and you find it difficult to listen to or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle.

It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own making simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial 'you' is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.